E-Mail Forwards
AIRPLANE
Lufthansa
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power
to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were
somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an
emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all
the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are
on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a
belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the
swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and
quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left
side of plane...--- " THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA "
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British Airways
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my
crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York
to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across
the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look
out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has
fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded
message."
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Air France
There once was a flight heading from London to New York.
Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom
system...
"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news
for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still
make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will
be two hours late."
Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life...
"This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard
wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to
the reduced power, we will now be four hours late."
The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the
address system...
"Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can
still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours
late."
On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her,
and said:
"I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my
connecting flight from New York!"
A POEM WRITTEN BY AN AFRICAN SHAKESPEARE
Dear white fella,
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you gray.
And you have the cheek to call me colored?????
ANSWERING MACHINE
"Hello, you've reached Jim and
Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down. I like doing it
left to right, real slowly. So leave us a message. When we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
"A is for academics, B is for
beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a
message at the beep."
"Hi. This is John. If you're the
phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents, please
send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
A narrator's voice:
"There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his
arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?
Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded.
Thou must leaveth a message."
"Hi. Now you say
something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my
answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the
beep."
"Hello. I am David's
answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
"He-lo! This is San-to.
If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave SEXY message, I
call sooner!"
"Hi! John's answering
machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.
Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with
taking calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your
message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a
machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do
not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering
machine...this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After
the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number
where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I'm probably at home,
I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message.
If I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm
sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and
then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're
probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
a message."
"You're growing tired. Your
eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You
are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000
Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally
encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our
computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands
of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of
our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."
"Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say
will be recorded and will be used by us for profit."
BRITONS VS MALAYSIANS
The English did invent the English Language, but they
cannot use it effectively (as few words as possible) when communicating
their intentions. Just compare these few phrases that Malaysians and Britons
use to say the same thing:
Britons: I m sorry, Sir, but we don t seem to have the sweater you
want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other
outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few
moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I d like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews!
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-nid.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to
enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the
gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Malaysians: Toy lert, toy lert.
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don t shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don t recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I d prefer not to do that, if you don t mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan.
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie is sold out and
all the restaurants are closed?
Malaysians: So how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about ?
Malaysians: You mad, ha?
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I 'm trying
to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do
I know you?
Malaysians: See what see?
EDP'S PRAYER
Dear God
Help me log on without fretting
guide me as I am internetting
bless my downloading and uploading
keep my browser from exploding
May my website be protected
let not my password be rejected
keep my line always connected
and all my inputs be accepted
Please keep all my program alive
and to remember to back up my harddrive
and protect my computer from crashing drive,
from a virus that would make it nesting hive
Amen.
MR. BEAN
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, The
answer is 6!!
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN number, hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN number if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see
any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of
a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or
two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
